


Temporary

by youcancallmecraig (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ? - Freeform, Fluff, Gen, M/M, dave is Mentally Ill, i havent done this in years im so old, karkat is Mentally Ill, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:59:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7559257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/youcancallmecraig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>i swear when i grow up<br/>i won't just buy you a rose<br/>i'll buy the flower shop<br/>and you will never be lonely</p>
            </blockquote>





	Temporary

You and Rose used to joke about how you could never find anyone good enough for you. Like, you two were just SUCH hot shit, Rose with her incredible intelligence and interests that she thought made her superior, and you, the great Dave Strider, who made a stupid web comic and made mix tapes, there was nobody in this universe who could ever land you. You consider this now, three years later, and realize it was probably projecting for something you both wanted desperately: to be wanted. Because now the two of you have lengthy late night conversations about how the both of you don't deserve your partners in any way.

Rose and Kanaya are a perfect match, because the two of them never shut up. You used to watch them when they got into one of their Talks. They were all smiles and polite nodding at first, and then when they got passionate they would start interrupting each other, nodding and being excitable, gesturing a little. Sometimes Kanaya would make big sweeping arm motions, and Rose would start laughing and snorting, which would make Kanaya laugh, and then they'd collapse onto one another. Like a gay black hole, or something, just sucking each other up and never stopping. 

You and Karkat had such a weird start to a relationship, nothing formal and cute like your sister and Kanaya had, no. It would have been great to have a sweet confession, some sleepy chat in the night that landed with a kiss or something, Karkat would like that, but Jesus, you just couldn't pull that off. You had clumsily reached for Karkat's hand, tangling your fingers together, and when he looked questioningly up at you all you managed to stutter out was "Um, is this - are we? A thing? Like are we. Are we doing this," and Vriska and Terezi had howled, and Karkat had practically died on the spot. He ended up sputtering something out, like, "Uh, yeah, sure, I guess? We're doing this?" And Terezi and Vriska had, again, had a field day, but still. Oh my god, do you regret that.

You use this incident quite often in the defense of your argument that you and Karkat should not be together. Or, rather, the argument you are continiously building up in your head, like a defense mechanism, readying for the day that he finally leaves. You like him, so much, you're kind of in love with him, probably, but the two of you cross this weird line between romantic and platonic feelings, a line so embarrassingly thin that it terrifies you. Not in a bad way - you're actually incredibly thankful for the way you and Karkat's relationship turned out, but Jesus, you're terrified that one day you're going to find out that Karkat really only thought that you and him were - the hell was that called? Moirails? That really, all this stupid hand holding and dumb late night talks and pressing your nose into his stupid neck when you fall asleep together was all just. A best friend thing. Because, really, above all, above being dissapointed about the lack of romance, you would be so embarrassed. Like, what a dick you've been yet again, Strider, believing that anyone could like you like that. 

But, of course, you don't tell him that. You would never mention that to Karkat Vantas, because you know he'd be brutally honest. If it was true, he'd tell you so. If it wasn't, he'd practically bite your goddamn head off, scolding you for ever thinking something that stupid. And maybe a year or two ago this would have irritated you, but now, all you can think about how cute his little dumb sharp teeth are when he's yelling at you, or the way his eyebrows arch, or how he takes in a huge breath and puffs out his chest when you say something to make him madder. He doesn't get as Full Blowout Furious as he used to, but when he does it's always entertaining and endearing to see.

It surprised you how much he's cooled down, honestly. You remember when any little prod his way was enough to make him explode, any off tone or slip of tongue had him ready to brawl. Karkat would've broken someone's arm if they complimented his shoes, he was so high strung. Vriska frequently rejoices in this, and ruffles his hair when she talks about his tantrums like old war stories. But now, sometimes, you wish he'd lash out more often, because Jesus, at least that means he'd be getting SOMETHING out. Now, when something is on his mind, he keeps it in for a while. Lets it simmer, insists that you talk to him more about your problems (which is always falling down another goddamn rabbit hole, with all the trauma you have pent up). Eventually, though, he breaks down, like a sinkhole, like a crack crawling up a dam until the whole thing bursts. The breakdowns range from getting snippy with you, then frantically apologizing, to dissociating as he watches his favorite movies, hands covered in teeth marks. Sometimes, he can't even talk, just starts scream - crying curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, clutching at his hair like he wants to tear it off his head. You don't know what his eyes see, what his brain is howling at him, all you can do is hold him until he burns himself out. Sometimes, you think you're the only one he comes to when he gets like this because it's not a reminder of his own setbacks, because you messed up in your timeline and it wasn't Karkat's fault, it was _yours _, because what he screams about is being a failure to his team, to his friends, above all else.__

__But afterwards, after he gets it all out, is when he feels much better. He's starting holding your hand more frequently now, rubbing his thumb against the ridges of your knuckles. He's not nearly as affectionate as you imagined, but when he is it makes your stupid gay heart leap. One time he told you that your eyes reminded him of flowers, of roses, and it's still the best compliment you've ever received. You're too scared to say you love him, but sometimes you try to spell it out with him for actions. You draw the two of you together a lot, which is stupid, so fucking stupid, but sometimes you show him the drawings and sometimes you give them to him and he always gets kind of excited, at least for Karkat. Kissing him is really nice, like, weirdly nice, even though you don't do it often, because he gets so embarrassed. You tell him that he's comfortable, that he's like home but not your old apartment, not with the swords and the tension and the expectations and Bro, but like something you feel like you can bask in forever, and isn't that so stupid and gay? You're so stupid and gay around him, and any facade you ever had crumbles every time he looks at you, and you hate being so vulnerable but god, you can't help it, and for once in your life you don't feel like Bro is holding a sword to your neck and like he hates you, you think Karkat likes you, you think somebody really, really likes you, this time._ _

__But sometimes, you feel like he hates you. When you lay in your bed trying to sleep, staring up at the ceiling, watching shapes that aren't there move around, you remember everyone who ever left. Every hero of yours, every crush, every friend who had torn you apart, and you remind yourself that it's only a matter of time before he leaves, that you're not stupid. Karkat is good, like candy and soft clothes and warm eyes and everything you've ever hoped could exist, and you're just not. Everybody knows it, that's why Bro put you to all those tests, because you weren't _good _enough. And you have accepted this. You know he will find someone better than you, and when that day comes you'll flip on your shades and shake his hand and thank him, for everything. And you will never tell him that you sometimes imagine a stupid wedding with him, maybe, or maybe the two of you going to college, or going on stupid dinner dates in nice restaurants that aren't available here on this meteor, and you will never tell him that you imagined a future with him in it. Because you know that's stupid and weird, and you know, deep down, that one day Karkat will look at you and realize he's made a mistake.___ _

____Even though you know this is temporary, even though you know it, still. You revel in this. You can't stop having hope that maybe, just maybe, this could last a little longer, because he likes your singing and NOBODY likes your singing, and one time he stayed up with you all night long to convince you that nobody was out to get you, that you are safe here, now, and sometimes he looks at you like there's a whole night sky in your eyes, and you are thankful, at least, for this. For now._ _ _ _


End file.
